We Now Know Who The Playoff Teams Will Be, And No One Will Dispute That.

White Sox beat the Twins, 1-0, on a solo homer from Jim Thome. That wraps it up.

Long-time readers will know that I’m not a guy who likes to make predictions. With that in mind, I figure I may as well predict the entire MLB postseason this year. The likelihood is better than 50% that I get every single thing wrong, but I won’t feel dumb because that won’t surprise me. And if you’re wondering how in the world I can be making predictions like this about the very thing that has made me so superstitious I border on the OC Disorder (“don’t call it that”) when I actually have a horse in this race, it will all become clear.

So. Here is the order in which the eight playoff teams will finish this year, from #8 to #1. Read it. Know it. Love it:

8) Philadelphia Phillies.
On paper, I really think I should be picking the Phillies to take down the Brewers. Ben Sheets is injured and apparently won’t be pitching at all in this series. That alone should be enough for me to figure that the Brewers can’t win, but picking against Philly just seems so right. Maybe it’s because I never pay attention to them, maybe it’s because I feel like they won the division by default because the Mets are so massively terrible. They can really hit the crap out of the ball, too, so why I think the Brewers and their ONE pitcher (CC Sabathia) can win this series, I really don’t know.

Oh god, and I just remembered that Eric Gagne pitches for the Brewers. This is the worst pick of the year: Brewers take out the Phillies in 4 games.

7) Boston Red Sox.
The LA Angels are way too good actually to win this series. So they’ll lose, even though I’m picking them to take down the Red Sox. The Angels’ bullpen is ridiculous, which means either it will collapse or the starting pitching will ruin things and never get to them.

But the Red Sox are just so banged up. Beckett has been on-and-off this year, Lowell is hurt. Manny is with the Dodgers. And the Angels lineup… Torii Hunter, Vladdy Daddy, Garret Anderson, Mark Texeira… The Angels are spending way too much money. But not as much as the Red Sox.

Mostly this is just a pick to make up for East Coast bias. Angels in 4.

6) Los Angeles Dodgers.
I’m really pretty worried about this series. I didn’t want the Cubs to have to face the Dodgers, I think there’s a great chance LA pulls it out. That said, I don’t want to explain myself, I just want the Cubs to win. Cubs in 5.

5) Chicago White Sox.
I won’t hedge on this one. The Rays will win. They’re young and exciting and the White Sox have Ozzie Guillen. And he’s a jerk. The White Sox are too good and experienced to get rolled, so it’ll be close. Rays in 5.

4) Milwaukee Brewers.
They won’t have enough to hang with the Cubs. If they had Sheets and Sabathia both at full strength, then they’d scare anyone, but with Sheets hurt (he may be back by then but he won’t be 100%), I don’t see how they beat the Cubs’ bats and Zambrano, Harden, and Dempster. Unless Kerry Wood blows every game. Really, if Milwaukee even makes it this far, they’re just happy to be here. Cubs in 6.

3) Los Angeles Angels.
This is another stupid pick. The Rays aren’t going to beat the Angels. But, like I said, I really think LA is just too good to keep winning. Something will go wrong. The Rays will force the entire country to watch them play in the World Series in that obscenity of a home field. Yuck. Rays in 7.

2) Tampa Bay Rays.
They stopped calling themselves the Devil Rays and it got them a division title. The AL pennant is kind of overdoing it. Having them this far is absolutely an “I want them here” pick, but it’s as good a reason as any. I like Cliff Floyd and I’m glad he’ll be playing in a World Series. JP wants this to be a 6 game series, but I don’t see it happening. Cubs take down the Rays in 5.

1) Chicago Cubs.
Look, when your team hasn’t won a championship in (literally) 100 years, there’s no such thing as jinxing them. I can pick them all day long, and if they lose, there is no way in hell that it was my fault. So here they are, Champions at last.

They’re also really good. If Zambrano doesn’t explode on the mound, they’ve got a killer pitching staff, and Ted Lilly ought to throw in a good start here and there when they need him. They said during spring training that they were going to win the World Series, and they will. Plus, Sweet Lou knows how bad Tampa Bay can be, so he’ll dig up some voodoo stuff to use on them to bring them back to Earth. Which will leave the Cubs as the last team standing.

So there it is, Cubs win, Cubs win, Cubs win. What have I got to lose by picking them? They never win anyway, so what’s the difference? Plus Zack went, like, 162-0 on MLB 2006 on Playstation, so that’s got to count for something.

I like baseball.



Edit: Completely unrelated, but sticking with the theme of terrible analysis, here’s this gem from Fox Noise:

Yep, that’s about right.