Terrace Agenda

So, now we’ve got Democrats doing their usual job of perpetuating conservative talking points, as the Senate has told President Obama that he’s not going to get the money to close Guantanamo because we “don’t know what we’re going to do with the inmates.” This is code for: nuh-uh, they’re not coming here! But why they needed code, I don’t know, because strong Senate Majority leader Harry Reid strongly showed strong leadership, strongly announcing in a leaderly way that, “We will never allow terrorists to be released into the United States,” further leading by strongly pointing out, completely logically, that, “(you) can’t put them in prison unless you release them.”

Lest you think anything written above was supposed to be derisive, we should disabuse you of that notion: We love the strength of Leader Reid. I can’t imagine a worse scenario than terrorists using their laser beam eyes to cut through the flimsy walls of a “Supermax” (more like “Superweak!”) prison and then running to the nearest tall building where they instantly explode, causing the deaths of millions. The horror!

In fact, we want to take things a step further– we propose that you contact your Congressperson and insist that ALL dangerous criminals be expelled from the United States. We don’t want them released here! And we certainly don’t want them incarcerated here!! We don’t have the capabilities to battle their clever escape plans, with the secret drills and the heat rays and the body doubles! Send them all away! NOW!

(For his part, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell heads off all possible arguments with his bulletproof rhetoric: “U.S. jails are typically for U.S. citizens… These are foreign terrorists, detained on the battlefield in the war on terror.” So that’s why we can’t let the terrorists roam free in Cleveland! And as for those pesky terrorists we already have locked up in U.S. prisons? Sen. James Inhofe has the answer: “those individuals who are actually criminals, they actually committed crimes and were not involved in the type of — in the type of terrorist activity as we’ve been experiencing in Iraq and Afghanistan.” See? The terrorists we’ve already kept safely locked up for years are actual criminals, and since we’ve denied the Guantanamo detainees anything even resembling due process, they aren’t even actually criminals yet! Which makes them EVEN MORE DANGEROUS! And what’s worse (YES!) is that a quarter of the current detainees either face no charges at all or have been cleared for release! How can we let these terrorists walk down our Main Streets to have tea with our women and play hopscotch with our children???

After all, we’re a nation of laws.)

For my part, I’ve come up with a plan, although it doesn’t technically involve moving all criminals out of the U.S. No, instead I suggest that we build a containment wall around the island of Manhattan (making sure to move all the bankers out first, of course) and then we deposit all criminals, including terrorists, inside the containment wall. (We would, naturally, have to defuse the exploding terrorist blood that runs deep in their veins so that they couldn’t blow holes in the containment wall using suicide attacks.) Then we can just leave them to their own devices.

“But Fletch,” you say, “what if the President’s plane is hijacked by revolutionaries who crash the plane into Manhattan? And, further, what if the President isn’t actually killed in the crash, but instead escapes in a pod, only to be found by the criminals and taken hostage? And then what if they cut off one of his fingers to prove they have him and demand that all guards leave Manhattan or they will kill the President? What then?”

Oh, children. You worry too much. We’ve already got someone on the job, someone who just… doesn’t… give a damn:

Simple.