Infinite Summer? I got your Infinite Summer RIGHT HERE! (Ooo, burn!)

No, actually, I think it’s a great idea, and you should follow Zack! and his progress reports on David Foster Wallace’s masterwork, Infinite Jest, throughout the next couple of months. And you should really probably also read it, because 70 pages a week really isn’t that much, you lazy jerk. And maybe even drop a line here and tell everyone how things are going from your end, or are you so selfish that you can’t even share that?

Okay, having said all that, I’m just going to admit that the Infinite Summer is not for me. And I think probably Infinite Jest is not for me. What am I gonna do? I’m not going to lie to you about it, Dear Reader. Sometimes that’s just how it be. But I do think the whole thing is a very good way to get a person to read a book that would otherwise collect dust and just look very pretentious and important sitting on a shelf, and while there’s a lot to be said for looking smarter than one actually is, I usually like to kick people like that in the shins. (To be fair, I usually like to kick just about everyone in the shins, so this probably isn’t that surprising. Even so, stop pretending you’re well-read, it makes you look Kobachy.) So, like anyone of great import, I’M GOING TO STEAL THIS GOOD IDEA.

I figure if I have to blog about it, I’m far more likely actually to do it, so I’m going to set about reading Laurence Sterne’s postmodern-before-there-was-even-modern monstrosity, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, a book which NO PERSON HAS EVER FINISHED (no you haven’t, stop lying. Liar.), all the while blogging the basic “story” (ha ha– there isn’t one!) and any reactions I might have.

Needless to say (although I’ll say it anyway, because doing so makes it fit right in here), this is an entirely self-indulgent exercise, and is basically just designed to make me, Fletch, the FIRST PERSON EVER TO FINISH THIS BOOK. Follow along with me, or don’t. If following two books by proxy is too much for you, pay attention to Zack! If the Infinite Summer is not for you, as it is not for me, perhaps a book that is full of digression and mad wanderings and not much of a point at all is more to your liking. Wait, now I’m confused about which book I’m talking about.

No arbitrary benchmarks or time horizons from me, no promises to you about regularly scheduled updates. Some of these chapters are half a page long, some are 50 pages long, and some don’t even exist. So I’ll update when it seems necessary. Or, more accurately, when I feel like it. But you will witness, here, SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE. Namely, I will read this book and finish it. If one of you would contact Guinness, I will be excited finally to hold a World Record. And while you’re at it, if someone would bring me a Guinness, I’d appreciate that, too.

By the way, if anyone out there wants to help me set another World Record, the record for longest handshake is an absurdly low nine-and-a-half hours. Jeremy and I talked about blasting that one out of the water, but we never tackled it. I’m still willing to attack that one with him, but failing that, I’m looking for another partner. I don’t need to tell you how intensely awesome it would be to hold a World Record. I would put it on my resume and probably tell everyone I ever meet about it. And so would you. I would even make us some trophies, although, if you think about it, they would be pretty unnecessary considering we would be WORLD RECORD HOLDERS.

At any rate, I’m certainly not trying to steal Zack!’s thunder here, I just know that we have a ridiculously intelligent audience (yes, even you!) and we need to do more in the way of book clubs and smart things and less in the way of fart jokes (kidding! We need more of those, too). And it’s summer, so you don’t have anything else to do anyway, unless you’re something other than a teacher or retired or on furlough, and then your life is going on pretty much as it always does, which is to say that it’s ending one day at a time and you should stop looking forward to the weekend and hating the week because these are precious moments of your life that you’ll never, ever, ever get back, and you’re wishing them away just so you can sleep in on Saturday. And that’s just so, so sad.

And with all that, I’ll start reading TOMORROW. Because it’s late and now you’re bothering me.