Because We Kinda Deserve It

And because you might miss this–the winner of the “Wish-It-Were-Real-But-It-Probably-Isn’t-Because-It’s-Too-Damn-Good” comment award:

Alaister Poindexter said, on July 10, 2009 at 5:55 pm (Edit)

My complaint about Terrace Agenda
The topic I want to cover in this letter is big and complex, and I don’t have much in the way of scientific data on it. Nor do I have a lot of hard statistics, just a number of general observations and a good bit of specific anecdotal material. For starters, Terrace Agenda either is or elects to be ignorant of scientific principles and methods. It even intentionally misuses scientific terminology to move increasingly towards the establishment of a totalitarian Earth.
We have a right, an indisputable, inalienable, indefeasible, divine right to proscribe Terrace Agenda and its fans as the most dangerous enemies of the people, period. “What’s that?”, I hear you ask. “Is it true that Terrace Agenda’s the type of organization who would intensify or perpetuate communism if it got the chance?” Why, yes, it is.
On several occasions I have heard Terrace Agenda state that its doctrines are all sweetness and light. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that in order to convince us that it is a spokesman for God, Terrace Agenda often turns to the old propagandist trick of comparing results brought about by entirely dissimilar causes. If I hear Terrace Agenda’s admirers say, “Embracing a system of sadism will make everything right with the world” one more time, I’m indeed going to throw up. Everything I’ve written in this letter amounts to this: I want to speak in the strongest possible terms against Terrace Agenda’s methods of interpretation.
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1. “The topic I want to cover in this letter is big and complex.”  Um, that’s what she said.
2. “[The Agenda] either is or elects to be ignorant of scientific principles…even intentionally misus[ing] scientific terminology to move increasingly towards…a totalitarian Earth.”  We assume that Ally is talking about our lessons, which, if s/he had watched them, s/he would know that they are not only scientific, they are ironically scientific–which makes them more scientific than science (scoff), because they’re ironic.  BTW, check out our upcoming lesson (working title:  “Go-Motion Trajectory in Relation to Orbital Defecation Techniques Lombard”), in which Fletch and I abuse our fair city’s public drinking laws.  Saucy!
3. “indefeasible.”  It means “not liable to being annulled or voided or undone.”
   
4. “right to proscribe Terrace Agenda and its fans as the most dangerous enemies of the people…”  Finally.  Thanks for noticing, dude/ette.  We’ve been at this thing for a year-ish now–I was starting to think that no one cared.  And our fans (read “Fletcher’s Dad) will be pleased to be included in this laudable category, too.
5. The Agenda “would intensify or perpetuate communism if it got the chance.”  Only if it helped to smash capitalism.  Otherwise, we don’t see the point.  Context, dude.  Context.
6. Our doctrines are all “sweetness and light.”  Now I can take a lot of criticism, but that’s going to far.  We’re not Betty Crocker, for Christ’s sake.  This is the Terrace motherfucking Agenda.  We’re hard.  We don’t take no–Oh!  A bunny! 
7. We want to convince you that we are “a spokesman for God.”  No–no, we don’t.  We are spokespeople for ourselves–we just happen to think that most of our ideas are pretty good.  Plus, we aren’t trying to convince you of anything:  you should just believe us because we said so.  Isn’t that good enough for you people?
8. “If I hear Terrace Agenda’s admirers say [some stupid shit that they've never said or will ever say probably maybe] one more time, I’m indeed going to throw up.”  We wish you would, Poindexter.  Here–let’s help:  Embracing a system of sadism will make everything right with the world.  Call JCole if you need help holding your hair back.

Of course, like we posited at the beginning of the post, this is probably not for real–in which case, we say, good on you, anonymously gendered reader!  Give yourself a pat on the back–you’ve done us proud.  You really have.